Uch

Let's see if I still have a job as of September 7, 2004

It appears as if my boss was not fully aware that I will be in New York for the next twelve days. Since he is currently on vacation, I am not expecting the warmest of receptions upon my post-labor day return.

For those of you in NYC seeking physical evidence that I indeed exist, drop me an email. Once my brother's wedding is over and I've completed all of my best man duties (i.e., Sunday night), I'm all yours . . .

All I can say is "Thank you, Grambo. Thank you very much."

"Beavis, this is the greatest thing I have ever seen." --Butt-head, circa 1996.

Cerberus reveals a second head

onmywayintowork has arrived. Someone may be approaching my level of bordeom. Regardless, I anticipate great things.

The Man In White Returns

The New York Times excerpts Tom Wolfe's new novel, "I Am Charlotte Simmons" this Sunday.

From Amazon's official description: "Dupont University--the Olympian halls of learning housing the cream of America's youth, the roseate Gothic spires and manicured lawns suffused with tradition . . . Or so it appears to beautiful, brilliant Charlotte Simmons, a sheltered freshman from North Carolina. But Charlotte soon learns, to her mounting dismay, that for the uppercrust coeds of Dupont, sex, Cool, and kegs trump academic achievement every time."

In this excerpt, Charlotte writes a letter to her parents:

"Generally I sleep very well. The only problem is that Beverly goes to bed really late" -- starts to write 3, 4, even 5 a.m., instead writes -- "2 a.m. sometimes, and it wakes me up when she comes in."

She slumped back in the chair once more and stared out the window a few light-years into the darkness. This, she figured, was it. Right here was the point where she either cried out or she didn't cry out. Momma, only you can help me! Who else do I have! Listen to me! Let me tell you the truth! Beverly doesn't just return in the dead of the night and "go to bed really late"! She brings boys into bed -- and they rut-rut-rut do it -- barely four feet from my bed! She leads a wanton sex life! The whole place does! Girls sexile each other! Rich girls with fifteen hundred SAT's cry out, "I need some [sexual activity]!" "I'm gonna go out and get [it]!" The girls, Momma, the girls, Dupont girls, right in front of you! Momma -- what am I to do . . .

But she stiffened and swallowed it all. Just one little mention of . . . sex . . . and Momma the Wrath of God would head east in the pickup, and haul her back to Sparta, and the whole county would hum like a hive: "Charlotte Simmons has dropped out of Dupont. Poor thing thinks it's immoral there."

Based upon this excerpt and, particularly, the one in Rolling Stone, I think Tom may be missing his drinking/drugging/fucking Merry Prankster days just a bit too much.

I'm not sure which is worse . . .

the boredom, my headache or the fact that I left my cell at home. At least the doctor renewed my Vicodin ES prescription with three refills, sight unseen.

Fuck it. I'm going home to watch the Olympics.

The best medicine

I can be having the shittiest, most boring of days, yet everything instantly brightens the moment I go here.

I’m not exactly sure why Primetime’s return excites me so much

Ravens save Deion a spot

The Baltimore Ravens are excited about the prospect of having Deion Sanders come out of retirement and be a part of their defensive backfield. The question now is: Will he take them up on their offer?

The Ravens have told Sanders that if he wants to end his retirement of three years, he would be welcome to join the team. Sanders is working out at his Dallas home in an effort to determine if his 37-year-old body can take the punishment of playing in the NFL.

A seven-time Pro Bowl performer, Sanders was one of the league's most electrifying performers during most of his 12-year career. In addition to defining the term "shut-down" corner, he occasionally played on offense and also returned kickoffs and punts. His resume includes 18 touchdowns.

Early in his career, Sanders excelled on two fronts, becoming the only professional athlete to play in both the Super Bowl (with the 49ers in '94 and Cowboys in '95) and the World Series (Braves, '92). As a Braves outfielder and a cornerback for the Falcons, Sanders was also the only pro athlete ever to hit a home run and score a touchdown within a seven-day span. The owner of 48 career interceptions, Sanders is the only player in Super Bowl history to have both an interception and a pass reception.

On spring break ten years ago, a friend and I ran into Michael Irvin & posse at a Miami bowling alley. He was incredibly gracious and fun, buying us a few drinks and chatting for at least an hour. At one point I asked him to name the best DB in the NFL. He turned directly toward me, looked me square in the eyes and with absolute gravity said: “Deion. It’s not even fucking close, buddy.” Yep, the answer I wanted & needed to hear.

I guess it’s time to pull my authentic #21 Atlanta Falcons jersey out of the back of my closet.

Too much, too soon (f/k/a the perils of Monday evening inebriation)

Some girl called me “captivating” last night . . . of course, I was too drunk to remember which one it was.

And why the fuck is my knee (and not my head) throbbing today?

Tonight, well before NBC’s pathetic tape-delayed primetime west coast feed gets around to showing the Romanian women’s defeat of the U.S., I shall glide into unconsciousness on my beautiful new couch, dreaming warmly of Svetlana Khorkina on the uneven bars and Amanda Beard doing the breaststroke.

A self-congratulatory pat and a humbling correction

1. Dude, I was so right.

2. Oops, I spoke too soon.


One more thing -- Good luck & congrats again, J.

Baron de Coubertin’s baby

As my friends and family all know, I am a huge Olympics junkie. Every two years I plant myself in front of the television (admittedly not that different from non-Olympics periods of time) and watch as much coverage as possible. Yes, I actually purchased NBC’s Olympic Triple Cast (remember, the Red, White & Blue networks?) back in 1992 and watched much of the 2000 Sydney games live in the middle of the night, rather than wait for the primetime tape-delayed coverage almost 14 hours later.

Since my “new” company is providing over 1200 hours of 24/7 coverage on “our” seven networks (an average of over 70 hours per day), I’m pretty stoked. I’ve already checked out some of the stills from the opening ceremony (no spoilers, however the centaur lighting the rings looks damn cool) and truly can’t wait to watch tonight’s coverage in glorious high definition. To top it all off, Iraq’s 4-2 upset victory over Euro-cup finalist Portugal bodes well for those of us who thrive on the human interest stories that define and highlight each Olympics.

Go here for the most comprehensive coverage of the XXVIII Olympiad, including schedules, results and television listings. Go here for the official website of the ATHENS 2004 Olympic Games.

One quick question: Can someone please explain why ROOTS, a Canadian company, is once again outfitting the U.S. team (as well as the teams from Great Britain, Canada and Barbados)?

Masochism

I own well over 3,000 CDs, yet I insist on listening to KCRW’s pledge drive ad nauseam--to the point where I am hearing “dial 1-800-600-KCRW” in my sleep. Although station General Manager/Program Director Ruth Seymour’s voice is, at best, grating (not to mention her incredibly spasmodic delivery of prepared text), I am so captivated by her appeals for my money that I am overpowered when I attempt to either change the station or play a CD.

If I weren’t already one of Ruth’s beloved Angels, my coffers would certainly be hers for the taking.

As my friends, I implore you to subscribe to KCRW today and help restore some semblance of my day-to-day sanity.

A snippet

From tonight's entertainment agenda:

Sam Emerson: And then his dog started chasing my mom like the hounds of hell in "Vampires Everywhere."
Edgar Frog: We've been aware there's some very serious vampire activity in this town for some time.
Alan Frog: Santa Carla's become a haven for the undead.
Edgar Frog: As a matter of fact, we're almost certain ghouls and werewolves occupy high positions at city hall.
Alan Frog: Kill your brother, you'll feel better.

C'mon. As if there was any possibility that I was actually going to watch this.

On a semi-related note (same trip to Best Buy), Happy National Madden Day. Yep, I hooked up the trusty 'ol PS2 last night because the new Madden is out and it is outstanding. My recommendation: spring for the Collector's Edition. It's great fun to compare the classic 1988 16-bit version to today's masterpiece. If I ever end up with carpal tunnel, it'll absolutely be the fault of EA Sports' Madden and NHL series. No question about it.

Our tax dollars at work

FCC Clears 'Buffy,' 'Grace' on Charges of Indecency

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Will & Grace" passed the indecency test at the FCC on Monday as the agency rejected complaints against the popular TV shows filed by two conservative-leaning interest groups.

The Parent Television Council, one of the more active groups on the indecency front run by L. Brent Bozell, complained to the commission about an episode of "Buffy" that aired April 22, 2003, on WDCA, a UPN affiliate in Washington. In the episode, the characters Spike and Buffy fight before having sex, according to the order.

Americans for Decency, a Phoenix-based group run by T.C. Bundy that claims as its mission statement that it wants to "reduce sexual violence and victimization" by "educating about the danger and harm of pornography," contends that a single episode of "Will & Grace" that aired March 31, 2003, on Fox Affiliate KSAZ in Phoenix was indecent. In the episode, a "woman photographer passionately kissed (a) woman author and then humped her (what she called a 'dry hump')," according to the order.

While the commission did not say that a "dry hump" is always within the bounds of the commission's rules on broadcast propriety, the panel did note that "both characters are fully clothed, and there is no evidence that the activity depicted was dwelled upon, or was used to pander, titillate or shock the audience."

This ruling appears to clear the way for “Everybody Loves Raymond” to proceed with its final season Ray Romano/Doris Roberts incest story arc.

I now know why I’m so distracted

Warner Brothers is releasing the newly remastered The Lost Boys (Two-Disc Special Edition) DVD tomorrow.

It really doesn’t get any better than both Coreys, Jack Bauer, Hannah’s Academy Award-winning sister, Jackie Gleason’s grandson, Doc Hogue, Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Edward Hermann.

Oh yeah, and Jami, too. *SIGH*

You know you’re way the hell distracted when . . .

you push the wrong elvator elevator floor button going both up and down in your own FOUR-story apartment building.

Contrary to popular belief . . .

No. I am not moving.
No. I have no current plans to leave my job.
No. I will not be interviewing during my New York trip.
No. I do not know exactly what I want to do following the current gig.
No. I neither have a specific timetable nor a specific contractual obligation tying me to my job.
Yes. I have specific reasons why I’m renting (and did not buy) the current apartment.
Yes. I am well aware that I will be in New York for my birthday. No. I still don't care.
And no. I am not bringing a date to my brother’s wedding. By choice.

You know, you could have told me on Friday after I asked you when your classes started

Reading today's Page Six I came across this item:

A NEW day is dawning at gawker.com. Editor Choire Sicha is leaving his post at the helm of the widely read blog because, "I got kicked upstairs," Sicha sighed to PAGE SIX. He'll now oversee all of Nick Denton's Web sites, including Gawker, Defamer, Wonkette and Fleshbot. A new Gawker editor will be announced today. Meanwhile, in other media news, Us Weekly news director Mark Malkin is leaving his post and New York for the L.A. headquarters of "The Insider." Malkin will be a supervising producer and on-air contributor for the show. He leaves in three weeks for the sunnier coast.

No huge deal, right. Choire'll be missed and all that jazz, but I was mostly interested to know who they snagged to replace him. So I went to Gawker and found this blurb:

First, the 411: your new Gawker editor will be... drumroll please... Jessica Coen.

Wha? Who?

Exactly. There'll be more info about Jessica shortly -- but suffice it to say for now that she's got a killer rack.

I think she can write okay, too. Crap, I knew I forgot to ask her something.

Okay, a quick story about Jessica:

Jessica spent some recent time in Los Angeles, working at a Major Studio Which Will Remain Unnamed (for now), and then moved to New York City to attend Columbia Journalism School and perfect her drinking techniques. When I heard that, I knew I had to do something. First Los Angeles, now the hideousness of J-school?

I'd been on the search for a new editor for Gawker for a while, so I convinced her to drop out and become our slave. Oh, if I could, I'd rescue all the children from the evil slaveship of J-School dean Nicholas Lemann. But I'll have to start with just Jessica.

Talk about a shock to the system on a Monday morning. Jess? Running Gawker? Skipping Columbia? After several re-readings and a confirmatory im chat, I realized that the drugs from last night were not affecting my comprehension and that, indeed, my pal Jessica will be the new editor of Gawker starting next Monday.

That's actually some big fucking news. Congrats, J. Good luck. Hide your valuables and don't take any shit.

Oh, and if anyone wants dirt, I am happy to confirm--

her rack is pretty great. And so is she . . .

Demi-portions

THE GOOD

Yada Yada Yada..."Seinfeld" Hits DVD

Everyone's favorite show about nothing will be making its hotly anticipated debut on DVD just in time for Festivus on Nov. 23, Columbia TriStar Home Entertainment announced Friday. The Seinfeld package will feature the first three seasons of the Emmy-winning series in two four-disc volumes. The first set will contain two versions of the original 1989 pilot (the alternate was called The Seinfeld Chronicles) along with all 18 episodes of seasons one and two; the second set will include all 22 episodes of season three. All the shows will be presented in high definition.

For a show famously about nothing, there's plenty of extras. There will be a whopping 24 hours worth of bonus material, from never-before-seen outtakes and bloopers to deleted scenes, behind-the-scenes scoops, episode trivia, unused footage of Seinfeld's stand-up routines and interviews and commentaries from cast members Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander (news) along with David.

THE BAD

Funk Singer Rick James Dies at Age 56

In 1991, James and his then 21-year-old girlfriend, Tania Hijazi, beat up and tortured a masseuse he had accused of stealing drugs from his mansion. The woman was tied naked to a chair, burned with a hot knife and a lighter and forced to perform oral sex on Hijazi.

In 1992, James and Hijazi beat up and held captive a female record label executive in a hotel on the Sunset Strip.

THE UGLY

Illinois Nazis. I hate Illinois Nazis.

Perhaps I should record an album of marginal covers, too---

Brits Say 'Blues Brothers' Best Soundtrack

"The Blues Brothers" was rated the best movie sound track in a British straw vote. It nipped the sound tracks of "Pulp Fiction" and "Trainspotting" in a vote conducted for British Broadcasting Corp. digital radio. "It's a 'Sound of Music' for hipsters, a film that lives and breathes music," said Andrew Collins, who drew 10,000 voters for his survey.

The stars of the 1980 film, John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd, sang several of the songs including "Everybody Needs Somebody to Love" and the theme from "Rawhide." Guest appearances included Ray Charles in "Shake Your Tailfeather," James Brown in "The Old Landmark," Aretha Franklin in "Think" and Cab Calloway with "Minnie the Moocher."

The BBC vote for best film sound track (with vote share):
1. "The Blues Brothers" (19 percent)
2. "Pulp Fiction" (18)
3. "Trainspotting" (17)
4. "Saturday Night Fever" (11)
5. "Dirty Dancing" (10)
6. "Grosse Point Blank" (8)
7. "Kill Bill" Vols. 1&2 (6)
8. "The Royal Tenenbaums" (4)
8. "Lost In Translation" (4)
10. "Fight Club" (3)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a HUGE fan of “The Blues Brothers”. It’s a great movie and it certainly taught me everything I ever needed to know about driving on Lower Wacker. However, Aykroyd and Belushi’s covers, while essential to the success of the film, pale when compared to the masterpieces by The Spencer Davis Group (“Gimme Some Lovin’”), Solomon Burke (“Everybody Needs Somebody To Love”), Robert Johnson (“Sweet Home Chicago”) and Elvis (“Jailhouse Rock”).

While “The Blues Brothers” certainly deserves credit for introducing the disco/classic rock generation to R&B (including this particular 7 year old), it’s certainly not the best soundtrack of all time. In short, great song choices do not automatically a great soundtrack make.

And, while we’re at it, what the fuck are “Kill Bill” and “Lost In Translation” doing on the list?

Where the hell are “Purple Rain”, “Footloose”, “The Graduate”, “Grease”, “The Big Chill”, “Shaft”, “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”, “Top Gun”, “When Harry Met Sally”, “Singles”, etc. etc. etc.?????

This still doesn’t make up for the "Human Touch"/"Lucky Town" disaster

To kick-off the publicity for MoveOn.org's Vote For Change Tour, The Boss does the New York Times Op-Ed thing:

Personally, for the last 25 years I have always stayed one step away from partisan politics. Instead, I have been partisan about a set of ideals: economic justice, civil rights, a humane foreign policy, freedom and a decent life for all of our citizens. This year, however, for many of us the stakes have risen too high to sit this election out.

Through my work, I've always tried to ask hard questions. Why is it that the wealthiest nation in the world finds it so hard to keep its promise and faith with its weakest citizens? Why do we continue to find it so difficult to see beyond the veil of race? How do we conduct ourselves during difficult times without killing the things we hold dear? Why does the fulfillment of our promise as a people always seem to be just within grasp yet forever out of reach?

. . .

Like many others, in the aftermath of 9/11, I felt the country's unity. I don't remember anything quite like it. I supported the decision to enter Afghanistan and I hoped that the seriousness of the times would bring forth strength, humility and wisdom in our leaders. Instead, we dived headlong into an unnecessary war in Iraq, offering up the lives of our young men and women under circumstances that are now discredited. We ran record deficits, while simultaneously cutting and squeezing services like afterschool programs. We granted tax cuts to the richest 1 percent (corporate bigwigs, well-to-do guitar players), increasing the division of wealth that threatens to destroy our social contract with one another and render mute the promise of "one nation indivisible."

It is through the truthful exercising of the best of human qualities - respect for others, honesty about ourselves, faith in our ideals - that we come to life in God's eyes. It is how our soul, as a nation and as individuals, is revealed. Our American government has strayed too far from American values. It is time to move forward. The country we carry in our hearts is waiting.

Read all about Springsteen's take on the tour and the election here.

Ladies & Gentlemen . . .

The D-Nasty Cartoon has arrived.

I generally root for my native land, but this is simply ridiculous

From ESPN.com via AP:

COLOGNE, Germany -- The U.S. men's Olympic team did more than merely lose. It was embarrassed and exposed like never before in international competition.

Losing an exhibition game for the first time when using NBA players, the Americans were completely outclassed by lightly regarded Italy, never even making it close in the fourth quarter of a 95-78 upset Tuesday.

The Americans were sloppy with the ball and couldn't handle Italy's zone defenses and 3-point shooting. Italy not only made 15 from behind the arc but showed superior ball movement and poise in handing the Americans their most lopsided defeat since pros began competing in 1992.

If I’m not mistaken there is not one Italian currently in the NBA. The fact that our bunch of pituitary superstuds, including the “The Answer”, LeBron, Carmelo and TD, could not defeat the lowly Italians says volumes about the state of “team” basketball in the U.S. On a one-on-one basis, each and every member of the U.S. roster could whip all but five or six (Yao, Nowitzki, Ginobili, Okur, etc.) of the players on any of the various Olympic rosters. However, as a team, we are simply pathetic.

The Lakers had arguably the two top talents in the NBA and were smoked by the Pistons in the finals. Guess what? It could be even worse in the Olympics. The U.S. is 50-0 in Olympic and qualifying games since the 1992 Dream Team (Michael, Magic, Bird, et al.) invaded Barcelona. Do not expect that trend to continue in Athens. In fact, we may be fortunate to medal at all.

Doesn’t it suck when the illusion of dominance and impenetrability comes crashing down all around you? And why does the impending doom of our Olympic men’s basketball team smell like a metaphor for a bigger/more substantial eventuality?

Etiquette question

What is the appropriate response when a friend enthusiastically shows you her collection of professional “artistic” boudoir photos, apparently taken as a means of procuring her inclusion in Playboy?

Yes, she looked damn hot (and fully nude) in the photos.

And yes, her husband was in the vicinity as I leered at the pics.