Incidental Acts of Spontaneous Cerebral Violence

Monday, April 12, 2004


A friend of mine is acting as a host at tonight's Miss USA 2004 official after-party. Although I pleaded with her for an invite (or, at a minimum, a body makeup job), I'm sitting at home watching Everwood. (No, I've never seen the show before. Yes, I know tonight's director.) In order to alleviate my unmitigated disappointment, I have decided to put metaphorical pen to paper and give you, fearless readers, THE PANTHEON™:

Maxim has its Hot 100 and FHM has its 100 Sexiest Women. I have THE PANTHEON™.

THE PANTHEON™ is not a list per se, nor is it a ranking. It is fluid, ethereal, somewhat unquantifiable and wholly subjective. THE PANTHEON™ from yesterday is not necessarily identical to, or even reflective of, THE PANTHEON™ of today. In fact, Werner Heisenberg's uncertainty principle should be applied to THE PANTHEON™: the moment it is formalized, it loses its instant particularity and identifiability.

THE PANTHEON™ is not about sex, love, beauty, intelligence, sensuality, character, race, hair, insight, religion or eroticism. It is about all of these things and none of these things. THE PANTHEON™ exists. It lives and breathes. It is a cloud and a mountain; it is the sun, the moon and the stars.

Thus, in no particular order, here is THE PANTHEON™ as it stands on April 12, 2004 at 9:25 pm:

Those of you who know me may notice what you think is a glaring omission from THE PANTHEON™. Well, you're wrong. She is beyond mere inclusion in THE PANTHEON™: it would cheapen her to lump her among the others. She is not an Amazon woman; she is most definitely from the high plains.

Two members of THE PANTHEON™ Hall of Fame (gone but not forgotten):

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