Incidental Acts of Spontaneous Cerebral Violence

Thursday, April 15, 2004


Place: Office of The World’s Best Doctor™
Date: Today
Time: 9:30ish
Re: Pre-merger check-up taking advantage of old insurance before new policy kicks in

WBD: So, everything is good. Excellent. Need any refills?

Uch: Nope. I think I’m all set for now. If my foot’s feeling a bit sore, I’ll take a couple of Vicodin before I go to bed. But I still have a bunch left from the last refill.

WBD: A couple of Vicodin?

Uch [backtracking feverishly]: No, no, no. Not a couple of Vicodin at once. Hell, you gave me Vicodin ES. If I took a couple of those I wouldn’t be able to stand.

WBD: Well . . . it’s potency is different for different people.

Uch [thinking as quickly as his sleep-deprived mind will permit]: I never take more than one at a time. What I meant was that I’ll take one when I get home from work, around 8, and then a second when I’m going to bed at 12:30 or 1.

WBD [skeptically]: Hmmmm, that still sounds like a lot. I normally tell patients to break the ES in half. That’s usually plenty.

Uch [having just killed his golden goose]: As I said, I only take it on incredibly rare occasions.

WBD: Well, since you haven’t experienced any major flare-ups following the increase in your allopurinol dosage, you should be using the Vicodin sparingly at most. O.K.? [dramatic pause] Is there anything else you need?

Uch [with mock innocence]: Any other fun prescriptions?

WBD [sardonically]: I think you’re having more than enough fun with the Vicodin.

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