Incidental Acts of Spontaneous Cerebral Violence

Thursday, July 15, 2004

By comparison, I'm even more mediocre than I thought I was

A friend recommended I check out Fresh Yarn, "the first Online Salon for Personal Essays." Four hours later, I was still reading and laughing, and the director agreement I was supposed to mark-up remained untouched. These are not fly-by-night pieces by unaccomplished wannabe writers. In fact, the contributors include a bunch of quite accomplished pros from around town: John Levenstein, Kathy Najimy, Marcia Wallace, Lisa Cholodenko, Eric Friedman, among others.

Jill Soloway, Supervising Producer/writer on "Six Feet Under" and author of the infamously genius "Courtney Cox's Asshole" contributed the gut-wrenchingly hilarious "Diamonds" to the first installment [an excerpt]:
There's this woman I know. Besides her diamond engagement ring and the diamond wedding band, each time she gave birth to one of her two sons, her husband brought her a diamond necklace. In the hospital. Good job, honey. Thanks for ripping your pussy open. Matthew Broderick gave Sarah Jessica Parker a $50,000 diamond charm bracelet in the hospital. Kobe gave his wife a four million dollar "I'm sorry I raped someone" diamond. Ben gave JLO a billionty dollar pink diamond. White diamonds aren't enough, now we need PINK DIAMONDS to really be special. I saw chocolate diamonds on Extra just last week. Brown diamonds, CHOCOLATE DIAMONDS. Can you tell I'm screaming right now? If you're reading this to yourself, you should be screaming anything in all caps in your mind.


Do they know something I don't know? Are they different than me because their feet look right in a strappy sandal, their toes don't look absurd when painted, like mine do, like donut holes with red dots on them, they know exactly what to do when someone slides their chair in for them? Me, I scoot, I'll make a loud scraping noise with my chair, but these women who get diamonds, I bet they glide into the table. They chew right and they sip right, which is something I don't do.

I store my sip of coffee in my cheeks before I swallow it, like a chipmunk with a spring's worth of nuts. This is something I know I do but I can't stop doing because I don't notice I'm doing it until after I've done it.

I just don't get it, I mean, who ARE these women and WHAT are they doing for these diamonds? Do they withhold sex? Have constant sex? Give great blowjobs? Refuse to give blowjobs? Give blowjobs where at first you pretend to not really wanna be giving the blowjob but then you start to get into it and next thing you know you're just slobbering away like some diamond-deserving secret princess whore of blowjobs? Could somebody please tell me WHAT ARE THESE WOMEN DOING FOR THESE DIAMONDS?

Are they mean? Are they nice? Do they scream? Do they think of themselves as a special prize that deserves special gems? Are their pussies cleaner than mine? Prettier than mine? Waxed? Unwaxed? Waxed with floor wax? Do they have giant stanky messy hairy retro bushes that don't give a shit at all, bushes that say fuck you - you're going to stick your face in this mess AND you're going to give me diamonds, WHAT IS THE FUCKING DEAL WITH THESE DIAMONDS?
ADDED BONUS: If you want to see Jill do her thing live along with a bunch of other talented people, check out tonight's (July 15--8pm) sit 'n spin at the Hudson.

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